*closing

It’s okay for me that we finally get the chance to talk. But still, I feel unsatisfied. The issue should have been closed already but why do I still feel empty?

The parting shouldn't feel this way if I wasn't caught off guard. I should have known what’s going on in your mind so that I could have the chance to get myself prepared; so that, I shouldn't have trusted you so much in the first place and I shouldn't have believed that I could rely on you and that you understand me, and that you could tell me everything you want and I will not get mad because it’s you who’s telling me.

I asked you before if I am hurting you. You said everything was alright. Why didn't you tell me there was something wrong already? That you are fed up with me so I could change, that I am already hurting you so that I could have said sorry.

 It’s really okay with me, if you don’t want me as your friend anymore. I could understand that if that’s what you want. But it hurts.

I just realized you know there’s something wrong already and I was so insensitive to think that everything was perfectly okay. That letter I gave you... although I was absolutely unaware how capable it could make or break our friendship is supposedly the first step to fixing the gap between the two of us. But you rejected it. still I thought, I might have said something wrong there. I pm’ed you at multiply and there was no reply. And that started everything. Perhaps not, but technically that letter started our not-talking-to-each-other mode.

I am ranting here because I can’t digest everything that’s happening…

I was supposed to understand it already from your actions. i thought I was looking for our closure. But after we talked yesterday, I still cannot accept it.

I don’t know how to act towards people now. I am so insensitive. I am selfish.

You don’t want to fix things up. Perhaps, that’s what you really want. Because in the first place, you have SVO and the seniors com people with you… but what about me? Lian is not around anymore. We’re supposed to have each other but since you don’t want it anymore because you already found the people who can appreciate you for what you are and not bully you in class like what I do. I must admit, I am really guilty for making you feel that way, but like what I have said, I asked you before if I was hurting you and you said, its okay. So, I got used to making fun of you and you didn’t tell me right away that. But for me, it was all a sort of “paglalambing”… you could’ve told me you were getting hurt. What I’m only asking you is to tell me what’s wrong so I could adjust. I could change myself if you want me to.

How will I know now, if I am hurting other people? Perhaps, I was not really insensitive. But I was just oblivious to it because you told me it was alright.

I just think its unfair how you could just leave someone behind when you want to, the way you want to without any warning and you could be just happy because you have a lot of people to love you… why do you get the luxury of choosing the people you want to be with and they love you right away and you don’t have a problem anymore. 

*found this on my files while i was re-organizing my folders